on being lost.
I’ve been struggling with myself, my thoughts and my words for how to put this XXL Venti, six-shots of espresso, double whip whammy of a story.
This one is a tricky one, but a good one (promise).
Where to start? Like Alice, lost and going mad with everyone else, I guess.
I typically approach any new relationship with guarded pessimism, if I’m honest. I’ve experienced affection in adolescence, full of growth and harsh realities (like that we are 14 and can do no more than hold hands for dramatic effect). Too often were my late teens full of obsessive adoration, irrevocable bonds and the emptiness of grief that sweeps over when they’re gone too soon. And my twenties? Well, that’s the collateral damage, isn’t it? I’m a collection of Kintsugi: broken pieces put back together and woven back to a complete piece, with gold. A collection of memories, grief, joy, ups, downs, sideways adventures — and love. Sometimes, love.
You’ll take notice that I veer away from the use of the ‘L’ word as often as possible. I find it tougher than ever. With the fleeting way in which it comes and goes; the way we feel so much at once to nothing at all. The feeling that steals away our hours of long-awaited sleep for ‘stare-at-the-moon-and-wonder’ emotions and thoughtfulness. I wonder if my incessant awakeness comes from a preoccupation with my thoughts, or simply from having too many and not enough hours in the day to get them all out. Or not enough moments of stillness with the person who needs to hear them, to express how you feel. Or like, whatever, you know?
If you’re not with me yet, picture this.
Do you remember those unforgettable days of our teens, when love was a rollercoaster of emotions and uncertainty? You weren’t truly sure if there was a track, or that nothing traumatic wouldn’t happen. I feel that this is when we experienced love in its purest, unfiltered form – a mix of excitement and trepidation; innocence and faith. We met in the hallways, stealing glances that conveyed more than words ever could. Our palms would sweat, and butterflies would dance in our stomachs whenever we saw that person. We would analyze every word, every punctuation mark, seeking hidden meanings like detectives on a thrilling case of the late-night text message (BBM). And all hidden behind the guise of being too cool for it all.
I simultaneously wonder if anything has really changed, or if we’ll always get to experience affection that way.
And then, rejection felt like it reached right into your chest and ripped your tiny, fragile heart out. Yet every crooked, reciprocated smile was like a small fire lit in our core. All in the midst of probably the most important journey of self-discovery, learning not only about love but also about ourselves and the kind of person we aspired to be. These memories still bring a smile to my face and a hint of nostalgia to my heart, alongside a slight pang of sadness for that era.
I contrast this idea with this generation of love, and whatever we’ve shaped it to look like now.
As we journey through our late twenties, love seems like it takes on a new hue, adorned with so. much. complexity. We find ourselves treading the delicate balance between passion and practicality, torn between the "what if?" and the desire for commitment. The concept of a soulmate or a twin flame, once so alluring, now feels elusive and almost delusional.
Delulu gang, stand up!
We live in a world where choices abound, and the fear of making the wrong one lingers like a shadow in the back of our minds. A constant ghost. We crave connections that light up our souls, yet we fear the vulnerability that comes with opening our hearts… completely. We've witnessed the whiplash of bonds around us:
Marriage
Divorce
Baby
Engagement
Another Baby
Death
Leaving us to question whether happily ever after is an achievable reality or a romantic fantasy of our grandparents’ generation. It’s absolutely a new era. But what era?
Optimistically, my vote is on independence and self-discovery, as lost as we may feel in it. Because outside of this bubble, we are navigating so much else that who has time to mull on that? We long for love that complements our individual growth rather than defining it entirely. We seek a love that allows us to soar, hand in hand with a partner who encourages us to pursue our dreams while they chase their own. This journey in our late twenties is a delicate dance between guarded hearts and hopeful spirits, as we navigate through life's uncertainties while cherishing the love we find along the way, as a steady right hand and light.
And that’s okay. And it’s okay to feel lost. It’s okay to feel loss. It’s okay if all of those things are platonic, in a world often too complex for romance. Any way you choose to live, to feel is okay. If you’re not harming a soul, let your soul wander – as lost as you damn well please.
I’m nearing the end of what I’ve decided will have to continue in another chapter. Because, there’s no way I can tell the next part – the intended part – in less than 1,000 words. I’ve laid the foundation for you… and I can summarize it best like this:
Girl loves world. Girl loves love. Does love, love girl? Not without every obstacle known to man – she’s lost! Will love find her? Has she found it? Is she holding on to it for dear life? Did it slip away? Is it gone?
If you’re wondering, I’ll see you next week.
–
A
