on what could have been.

“You were bigger than the whole sky. You were more than just a short time.”

I haven’t even started writing yet and I’m teary eyed. So you know where this one is going, my friends.

I don’t even like T*yl-r Sw-ft okay? But Bigger Than the Whole Sky was on repeat for that entire day. The day that shook me more than I care to admit.

But he’ll never read this, so we’re in a safe space.

I’m ready to talk about New York.

—

It took me three-and-a-half hours to stop crying. I cried the second I woke up. I cried as we carted my things to the car. As we approached the airport air struggled out of my lungs. For the first time, I was speechless and in tears — in front of the person I care for, let alone a MAN.

It’s important to understand here that I don’t cry in front of others. It’s something that I’ve always done since I was quite little. But especially as I’ve grown up… I’ve never let someone know, to their face, that they’ve broken me. This was so new to me. And yet, I effortlessly sobbed as he held me, time and again.

At first, I debated staying sat in the passenger’s seat. Sick to my stomach and full of grief.

I'm never gonna meet

What could've been, would've been.

I couldn’t look at him. I was leaving. I was leaving and everything was so unfinished. We were unfinished. We are.

But some unknown force to me carried me out and onto the curb. The sun was perfectly falling on us. Drying the salt stains that dotted my cheeks.

“Do you have everything?” and small-talk fills the heavy space between us.

“No.” Because we both know I don’t. I can’t. Find. Words. Everything cues a river of tears I can’t stop. But I surprise myself.

“Will you miss me?” A question I’m infamous for. I manage a half smile. We kiss, but it’s different. It feels final. I think we both felt it. I can feel hyperventilation kick in and wave myself away.

Leave it to me to collapse no more than five steps into the airport in tears. I pretend to re-pack my things, but I’m trying to gather more than some clothes. Sympathetic airline check-in staff don’t even bother me with my overweight bag. They had just watched me fall apart, and probably assume it’s better not to nudge me before I break (again).

I cried through security, which prompted a few extra checks and stern looks. I tearfully sat in the lounge waiting for my flight and connecting back to the reality I left. I just wanted to be back home, in my bed, under every blanket I owned.

When I finally parked myself on the flight home, I really let it out. For so many stares that I rendered unimportant. In this moment, I just needed to feel everything. The flight attendant brought me a filled-to-the-brim glass of white wine, unprovoked. Mind you, this airline is known for being stingy with alcohol - so she knew I was in my feelings. Something that simultaneously made me giggle and cry more.

What should've been you.

What could've been, would've been you.

—

I’ve spent most of this diary writing about leaving. But you’re probably wondering, what happened during?

I could say love, but maybe he would disagree. He shows me a city I had never been to, but had quickly fallen for. And I mean, really shows it to me. He shows himself, to me, too. We eat the most delicious foods. He takes me to places that mean something to him, and shows me milestones of his life in a place otherwise unknown to me. It now feels familiar. Warm. He does too. Home.

He shows me parts of himself he says others don’t see. His home. His life. His day-to-day. Something that has grown to feel a part of my own life, too. I can put places to things we’ve only talked about, and faces to names. The pieces feel like they fit. Well.

I am swirling in a place I am sure I will come to call home too. Nothing felt wrong. In my last days in a city I can’t find reasons to get sick of, though, I growingly feel nauseous.

We talk about why it can’t work. Why it’s nonsensical. Why it’s better to just remain as it was.

But nothing ever really goes back to what it was, does it?

And we’ll never talk about that because it’s easier not to, right? To pretend like it’s normal to go from consistent conversation to saying hello once in a fortnight. To go from sharing everything about and to each other, to talking about the weather. To go from deep belly laughter and lingering kisses to shutting each other out.

Did some bird flap its wings over in Asia?

Did some force take you because I didn't pray?

Five days. Five days to go from a perfectly sound foundation to shaky, at best.

Everything I felt was deep in my soul. Electric. But it was his smile that truly captivated me. Mysterious. Charming. Simply irresistible. I want to keep it for myself. For good. But you can’t hold what doesn’t want to be held, can you?

The intensity paired well against the city’s sleepless energy. Every moment. With this feeling came the complexity and challenges of nurturing a relationship in a generation that can’t seem to house it. Our differences. The chaos of our individual lives.

It’s too much, for him. I thought this would look like learning about each other and growing together. He contrasts.

—

I can sit here and wonder what changed but what will that do for anyone? For us? As I reflect on the absolute whirlwind of emotions and events that have shaped the past few months, I find myself at a loss for words. Again, shocking right?

But I feel compelled to share this chapter because if you’re reading this, you’ve likely been a part of it in some way. You know that New York stole my heart and holds it, and that taking chances is better than wondering forever what could have been.

Whether our love story is destined to be a fleeting chapter or a lifelong journey, it has forever changed me. It reminds me to embrace the unpredictable, to find beauty everywhere, and to love with all my heart no matter what. That magic can happen when two paths cross at just the right moment. That it can happy anywhere. That it can be anything.

I am grateful for every moment, every lesson, and every emotion that New York has brought into my life.

In all its glory and madness, New York City became a metaphor for our love - beautiful and unpredictable, but worthy of adoration nonetheless.

—

A

on 23 things I learned in 2023.

“My resolution is to stop wondering if I’m good enough for people and start wondering if they’re good enough for me.”

You should know that this piece started with ‘What Was I Made For? // Billie Eilish’ coming on shuffle and me crying. But what doesn’t start with me crying?

ANYway. Reflections have a tendency to do that to me. I am someone who feels everything very deeply at any given moment. Sadness, anger, empathy, excitement, love. Any and all of it - I’m at 120% when most people are at 50%. It’s something I’m learning to relax on, but also, isn’t that kind of wonderful in some ways? I’m trying to figure that out, but I hope so.

2023 was a lot. I think we can all honestly say that. But there was good interwoven that opened the door for a lot of learning, self honesty, and growth ultimately as we move into a new year.

Here’s what I learned in 2023:

1. Taking care of your health and wellness is your greatest gift to yourself.

2. We have a finite time with everyone in our lives. Cherish that in how you move through your relationships. Love your people so loudly.

3. Every loss is a lesson. Take time to reflect on them and grow from them.

4. Just because you have someone’s best interests at heart, doesn’t mean that they have the same for you.

5. Your gut health affects every. other. part. of your body. Check in with it!

6. If your job (or anything tbh) is making you depressed, anxious or draining you overall - it’s not the job for you. Find what inspires you… money comes and goes either way.

7. People who truly love you will never try to change you.

8. In many ways, life is an intricate dance. Watch how those around you move and match accordingly.

9. Matte nails absorb EVERYTHING. Don’t do it!

10. If you have an appointment for 9 AM, plan for it as if it’s at 8:30. Getting there early means you’re ready to go AND you have time to scroll TikTok.

11. Once you start incorporating healthier practices into your life, it becomes as routine as breathing. Please don’t make excuses to block a better you. This includes boundaries and staying firm with them.

12. Stop wondering if you’re good enough. Start wondering if others deserve you.

13. You CANNOT do everything yourself. Starting a business is not easy. You’re hustling - don’t let anyone downplay that. Also keep track of everything and hire PROFESSIONALS to help you!

14. Spending quality time with your loved ones will refuel you in ways that nothing else can.

15. Learn your love languages. Watch your relationships change.

16. Nothing in our universe is a coincidence. Read Signs by Laura Lynne Jackson. Also, pay more attention to your life lol.

17. Have the cookie. Buy the shoes. Take the trip. You can’t with 100% certainty say you’ll be able to do it another time.

18. Learn to trust natural medicine and movement therapy as much as you trust pharmaceuticals and your GP. They all go hand in hand for painting a better picture of your body.

19. USE YOUR TIME OFF!!!!!!!

20. Cold therapy is ssssoooooooo good for you but also SO FUN.

21. Make time for self-care days. Whatever they might look like, a spa or a single service or a whole event with friends. Do it.

22. Take a solo trip. You never know what you might learn about yourself.

23. Be kind. Create a better world. We all need this.

—

A

on falling in love with the moon.

“Do not swear by the moon, for she changes constantly. Then your love would also change.”

Oh we’re doing this? Okay. Deep breaths.

I’m sure for those of you who asked and dove deeply into my post on being lost, you’re wondering what happened next.

How does it end? Does it? Does he get the girl? The true plot twist is he has her heart on a silver chain. The chain is tight, but fits. It can choke. It can be painful. It can fit beautifully, too. Duality. Two things can be true at once.

Let your soul wander – get as lost as you damn well please.

But, let me not get ahead of myself. If you’re not caught up, go back and get the full story. The fairy tale, but the original fairy tales where it’s just a cruel lesson on life. For the better?

In respect of the fact that this isn’t only my story, and in some aspects not mine to tell in entirety, I’ll tell this story in metaphors. But if you read closely, my hope is that you’ll understand every word. We love a strong communicator.

—

I loved the moon from the first time I saw him. Been in awe of him, really, in his beauty and mystery. I felt a connection with him that I could never explain — and I’m rarely at a loss for words. They say the moon's gravitational pull is the main cause of the rise and fall of ocean tides. It causes unease in the sea, causing ocean waters that face the moon to pull at its strongest. Loving the moon is not easy.

The moon is not always bright and full as we dreamily expect it to be. And that’s not really fair, is it? To expect the moon to always be bright and on its best, for us. Sometimes, it’s dark. It hides. It wanes and cannot be what we need it to be, all the time. Sometimes, it goes dark entirely. Sometimes, we lose its pull and can’t find it. We get lost, in the darkness, together.

But just as often, the moon is waxing. It gathers light on its journey of becoming new and full again. I love being a part of every phase.

I often wonder, is the moon meant to be loved from afar? Are we supposed to look, but never touch? And is it because that’s what is safe, versus what is meant to be? I’ve always been one to walk the line in limbo. Between extremes, stumbling. I’ve often been drawn to the longer, darker, tougher routes. But isn’t this all the more satisfying, in the end?

What I find most lovable about the moon is that it follows a cycle that only he knows. In loving the moon, you never know what to expect. You never know when he will be happy or sad, calm or anxious, stable or unstable. You never know when he will shine or fade, rise or set, appear or disappear.

But you love him anyway, at all of his phases. You love him because he is beautiful in his own way. You love him because he has a soul that touches yours. You love him because he is more than his phases. He is more than the moon.

I fell in love with the moon. I entered at his brightest phase. He lit my world up with his words, charisma, and outlook on life. I think the moon fell in love with me too, because I was gentle in how I explored his complexities. I would do anything for him, and he knows.

Loving the moon is not easy, but it is so worth it. The moon teaches you so many beautiful, albeit sometimes tough lessons. He teaches you patience, compassion, empathy, and resilience. He teaches you how to appreciate the good moments and cope — together — with the bad ones. He teaches you how to love unconditionally and wholeheartedly, and how much you deserve that.

Challenging, but rewarding. Painful, but healing. Scary, but exciting. It is a journey that you take together, through the highs and lows, through the light and darkness, through the phases of the moon.

Loving the moon is not easy, but it’s so beautiful. The moon has a magic that no other celestial body can rival for you.

Loving the moon is a bond that you nurture and strengthen, in sync with your sun. Remember though, that it can only be done harmoniously together. There is no moon as we know it best, without the sun.

I have always loved the moon from the first moment, and I always will.

Now you know. I hope this helps you heal from or with your moon, too. I feel lucky to experience such a thing, and I hope you do. More on healing, soon.

With love,

—

A

on being lost.

I’ve been struggling with myself, my thoughts and my words for how to put this XXL Venti, six-shots of espresso, double whip whammy of a story.

This one is a tricky one, but a good one (promise).

Where to start? Like Alice, lost and going mad with everyone else, I guess.

I typically approach any new relationship with guarded pessimism, if I’m honest. I’ve experienced affection in adolescence, full of growth and harsh realities (like that we are 14 and can do no more than hold hands for dramatic effect). Too often were my late teens full of obsessive adoration, irrevocable bonds and the emptiness of grief that sweeps over when they’re gone too soon. And my twenties? Well, that’s the collateral damage, isn’t it? I’m a collection of Kintsugi: broken pieces put back together and woven back to a complete piece, with gold. A collection of memories, grief, joy, ups, downs, sideways adventures — and love. Sometimes, love.

You’ll take notice that I veer away from the use of the ‘L’ word as often as possible. I find it tougher than ever. With the fleeting way in which it comes and goes; the way we feel so much at once to nothing at all. The feeling that steals away our hours of long-awaited sleep for ‘stare-at-the-moon-and-wonder’ emotions and thoughtfulness. I wonder if my incessant awakeness comes from a preoccupation with my thoughts, or simply from having too many and not enough hours in the day to get them all out. Or not enough moments of stillness with the person who needs to hear them, to express how you feel. Or like, whatever, you know?

If you’re not with me yet, picture this.

Do you remember those unforgettable days of our teens, when love was a rollercoaster of emotions and uncertainty? You weren’t truly sure if there was a track, or that nothing traumatic wouldn’t happen. I feel that this is when we experienced love in its purest, unfiltered form – a mix of excitement and trepidation; innocence and faith. We met in the hallways, stealing glances that conveyed more than words ever could. Our palms would sweat, and butterflies would dance in our stomachs whenever we saw that person. We would analyze every word, every punctuation mark, seeking hidden meanings like detectives on a thrilling case of the late-night text message (BBM). And all hidden behind the guise of being too cool for it all.

I simultaneously wonder if anything has really changed, or if we’ll always get to experience affection that way.

And then, rejection felt like it reached right into your chest and ripped your tiny, fragile heart out. Yet every crooked, reciprocated smile was like a small fire lit in our core. All in the midst of probably the most important journey of self-discovery, learning not only about love but also about ourselves and the kind of person we aspired to be. These memories still bring a smile to my face and a hint of nostalgia to my heart, alongside a slight pang of sadness for that era.

I contrast this idea with this generation of love, and whatever we’ve shaped it to look like now.

As we journey through our late twenties, love seems like it takes on a new hue, adorned with so. much. complexity. We find ourselves treading the delicate balance between passion and practicality, torn between the "what if?" and the desire for commitment. The concept of a soulmate or a twin flame, once so alluring, now feels elusive and almost delusional.

Delulu gang, stand up!

We live in a world where choices abound, and the fear of making the wrong one lingers like a shadow in the back of our minds. A constant ghost. We crave connections that light up our souls, yet we fear the vulnerability that comes with opening our hearts… completely. We've witnessed the whiplash of bonds around us:

Marriage

Divorce

Baby

Engagement

Another Baby

Death

Leaving us to question whether happily ever after is an achievable reality or a romantic fantasy of our grandparents’ generation. It’s absolutely a new era. But what era?

Optimistically, my vote is on independence and self-discovery, as lost as we may feel in it. Because outside of this bubble, we are navigating so much else that who has time to mull on that? We long for love that complements our individual growth rather than defining it entirely. We seek a love that allows us to soar, hand in hand with a partner who encourages us to pursue our dreams while they chase their own. This journey in our late twenties is a delicate dance between guarded hearts and hopeful spirits, as we navigate through life's uncertainties while cherishing the love we find along the way, as a steady right hand and light.

And that’s okay. And it’s okay to feel lost. It’s okay to feel loss. It’s okay if all of those things are platonic, in a world often too complex for romance. Any way you choose to live, to feel is okay. If you’re not harming a soul, let your soul wander – as lost as you damn well please.

I’m nearing the end of what I’ve decided will have to continue in another chapter. Because, there’s no way I can tell the next part – the intended part – in less than 1,000 words. I’ve laid the foundation for you… and I can summarize it best like this:

Girl loves world. Girl loves love. Does love, love girl? Not without every obstacle known to man – she’s lost! Will love find her? Has she found it? Is she holding on to it for dear life? Did it slip away? Is it gone?

If you’re wondering, I’ll see you next week.

–

A